notes and thoughtforms

it has been:

days since i stopped drinking/dxm/etc...

without further ado

• i love psuedoclasses
• coding is kind of witchcraft when you think of it
• like invocation?? damn
• softlocked or hardlocked?

personally i'm pretty hard

i have adopted your habit of using courier font for everything. it's so lovely!

i invite you to write your own notes below!

"The tendency to seek, or the practice of seeking, distraction from what normally has to be endured"

suboptimal at best

i was born with so much potential. i ruined myself with my own hands. i let my sadness consume me. the cavern that i have wandered into will soon swallow me whole. the entrance will fill with rocks and i won't be able to dig myself out. the stones pierce my hands

psychopomps?

how to cage an angel:

redownloading nekopara today

hey guys why is nothing fun anymore

You know, maybe if you actually USED your skills for something instead of repeating the same shit over and over again maybe you would get somewhere ?

i suppose.

So get on with it . What use is sitting around whining ?

i get it

we are feeling better today!! or maybe it's all the coffee.....

(It's nothing. It's your imagination.)

(yes like the hedges nevertheless they did move)

(They did not move!)

But because he was human he could not help a bitter wish that the cup had never been passed his way.

"and yes, i would rather die than seek help from a shrink," she said. "what do i need it for? i'd rather writhe around in my own self-pity. what use is it to waste time on me? even if i am paying you?"

A truant finds home
And a wish to hold on
But there's a trapdoor in the sun

The Sons of God Saw the Daughters of Men That They Were Fair

omen milk

WHY ACCEPT REALITY?

tweaking over being the worst and most sensitive person on the planet everything affects me profoundly i wanna CRY

every day feels like a million years

when the Life Promiser makes her say any word it comes out as a joke

guys i don't remember what i was doing

say: if only i were a candle in the dark

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

"The end of all flesh is come before me"

sidenote i freaked the fuck out about my own existence and how sad i am and how much i wanna kms to my boyfriend yesterday and i think i scared him

in this vast universe somehow i am more concerned about an arbitrary number than anything else in my life. will it always be this way? listening to have a nice life has made me feel marginally better. my legs are cold. it's too cold in the cafe. anyways what was i saying again?

somehow "a quick one" sounds very hopeful to me.

i refuse to give up on getting my degree. it's unfortunate that the careers i would like to pursue require so much schooling but i'm willing to try. i'm treating this as a last resort, in a way. if i don't do this then i'll be stuck doing shit i couldn't possibly care less about for the forseeable future. at least with this i'll have some vague idea of how my life will look by the time i'm 30. things will be hard but not impossible. at least, that's what i'm counting on.

there is a pitfall in the sky and i am tumbling down it

leagues of wasps all droning. teaming through the winds. relentless in pursuit. if you run they will follow. buzzing in the thousands. stingers inject and escape is impossible though you swat them away the swarm will engulf you

im tired im sooo fucking tired!!! sleep doesn't fix me anymore!! sleep never fixed me! existence on this plane has become futile. i have no real purpose or direction and i am unable to do anything. im beyond useless. totally beyond. i cant even keep friends around to save my life. they go days without talking to me or theyve totally forgotten that i exist. i am perceived as lovely on the surface level but underneath the skin im rotten and filled with maggots. there is a reason why no one wants to talk to me once they get to know me. im tired. i want to disappear.

This too is one of the evils of foolishness: it is always beginning to live.

i am the beast i worship

shapes and colors dance behind their eyes their fingers reaching towards eternity consciousness slipping from their grasp reality becoming a facade a distraction from never-again a final chance to fly away

"Resist the urge to continuously review or talk about your trauma. This will repeatedly activate your nervous system." dawg help how do i not do this

glass half empty ❌
glass half full ❌
peed in the glass ✔️

i suppose some things are better journaled or written about. i've recently become very invested in the works of fantomas, a supergroup consisting of mike patton (mr bungle, faith no more,) dave lombardo (slayer,) buzz osbourne (melvins,) and trevor dunn, also from mr bungle. and tomahawk now that i think of it. my favorite album of theirs is definitely the director's cut. it's a lot of faithful covers and interesting reimaginings of songs from films, my favorites being fire walk with me and the godfather. the godfather is partially remixed as an extreme metal song which i think is really cool. i also think delirium cordia is an interesting album(?) it's an hour long song with the concept of "a surgery without anesthesia." it's a challenging listen but i like to think of it more as a horror movie score. anyways check em out!!

and when the adversary descends upon them no longer will they utter foolish words for their mouths will be clamped shut

existence grieves me at my heart and i am repentant of my inaction