mortality is so terrifying. i feel bad venting my anxieties about dying to random people but i can't stop thinking about it. i don't want to die. no one does, i don't think. but especially not me. sometimes i'll get super depressed and in my head about things and i'll really think that i want to die but it scares me more than anything.
so i have the solution.
if souls turn out to be non-existent (likely) and the only thing granting me consciousness is my brain then i'll simply preserve my brain forever. perhaps like a ship of theseus thing??? i can just consistently replace parts of my body that don't work while simultaneously keeping my brain intact. my body won't be the same but maybe i can advance it into something even better. like some cyborg shit. but i still wanna vaguely resemble a human. just enough to make people uncomfortable.
plan two; if i can't change facets of my body (likely) then i'll preserve my body to the best of my ability and just get cryogenically frozen or something. the only caveatte about that is the fact that cryogenic freezing only occurs post-mortem so i'll have to die first. but if technology progresses enough to where they can bring me back to life and sustain my existence then fuck yeah let's do it!! i can trade a few decades of non-existence for the promise of coming back to a new planet. to being alive. to not falling victim to the most fatal disease of all (death...)
my vessel must be the most precious thing to me now. i treat my form so carelessly because it isnt the one i want. i wasnt promised this body. or maybe i was as punishment. god does existing in human form feel like a curse. the greatest curse is being part of humanity. part of a species that should have never existed; that was pure accident. why couldn't i be higher than this? what did i do before to deserve such pitiful treatment? maybe i should allow death to take me so i can ascend and become a higher being than this after this nightmare is over. i can't fathom not being around. i suppose being dead feels like going to sleep but fuckk i don't even like sleeping! this shit fucking sucks! what the fuck am i doing here? i'm not even made for this planet. all of the things i love and cherish are not condusive to keeping me alive. this planet is designed around punishing those with my mindset, that behave like me. that are me!!!!! oh how totally unfair...
the only way to atone for the sin of one's own existence is to die.
it is very unfortunate to me that the only way for me to fix the thing that i am is to eliminate what i am. in every sense of the word. because of things that were inflicted upon me at a young age i can no longer function normally and i will always harbor emotional instability and morally wrong attractions. these things are inherent to me and seldom controllable. there is no reason for me to stay around knowing this.
i have a concert to go to wednesday with a good friend of mine. we are going to see an indie rock band named 'horse jumper of love." i know nothing about them. we are going to ride together so we will have plenty of time to talk about music and existence and other things like that which interest us.
he is just as suicidal as me, if not moreso. if he is truly serious about leaving this earth then i will only have until august to speak with him and be close with him. we've been friends since childhood but, regrettably, i haven't taken the liberty of speaking to him very much until a couple of months ago. he is an interesting person. he has good taste in music and anime. very refined. he seems to care about me. he's a great friend.
i thought about asking him to take me with him if he ends up committing. but it was such a horrible question that i didnt ask it.