mortality is so terrifying. i feel bad venting my anxieties about dying to random people but i can't stop thinking about it. i don't want to die. no one does, i don't think. but especially not me. sometimes i'll get super depressed and in my head about things and i'll really think that i want to die but it scares me more than anything.
so i have the solution.
if souls turn out to be non-existent (likely) and the only thing granting me consciousness is my brain then i'll simply preserve my brain forever. perhaps like a ship of theseus thing??? i can just consistently replace parts of my body that don't work while simultaneously keeping my brain intact. my body won't be the same but maybe i can advance it into something even better. like some cyborg shit. but i still wanna vaguely resemble a human. just enough to make people uncomfortable.
plan two; if i can't change facets of my body (likely) then i'll preserve my body to the best of my ability and just get cryogenically frozen or something. the only caveatte about that is the fact that cryogenic freezing only occurs post-mortem so i'll have to die first. but if technology progresses enough to where they can bring me back to life and sustain my existence then fuck yeah let's do it!! i can trade a few decades of non-existence for the promise of coming back to a new planet. to being alive. to not falling victim to the most fatal disease of all (death...)
my vessel must be the most precious thing to me now. i treat my form so carelessly because it isnt the one i want. i wasnt promised this body. or maybe i was as punishment. god does existing in human form feel like a curse. the greatest curse is being part of humanity. part of a species that should have never existed; that was pure accident. why couldn't i be higher than this? what did i do before to deserve such pitiful treatment? maybe i should allow death to take me so i can ascend and become a higher being than this after this nightmare is over. i can't fathom not being around. i suppose being dead feels like going to sleep but fuckk i don't even like sleeping! this shit fucking sucks! what the fuck am i doing here? i'm not even made for this planet. all of the things i love and cherish are not condusive to keeping me alive. this planet is designed around punishing those with my mindset, that behave like me. that are me!!!!! oh how totally unfair...
the only way to atone for the sin of one's own existence is to die.
it is very unfortunate to me that the only way for me to fix the thing that i am is to eliminate what i am. in every sense of the word. because of things that were inflicted upon me at a young age i can no longer function normally and i will always harbor emotional instability and morally wrong attractions. these things are inherent to me and seldom controllable. there is no reason for me to stay around knowing this.
i have a concert to go to wednesday with a good friend of mine. we are going to see an indie rock band named 'horse jumper of love." i know nothing about them. we are going to ride together so we will have plenty of time to talk about music and existence and other things like that which interest us.
he is just as suicidal as me, if not moreso. if he is truly serious about leaving this earth then i will only have until august to speak with him and be close with him. we've been friends since childhood but, regrettably, i haven't taken the liberty of speaking to him very much until a couple of months ago. he is an interesting person. he has good taste in music and anime. very refined. he seems to care about me. he's a great friend.
i thought about asking him to take me with him if he ends up committing. but it was such a horrible question that i didnt ask it.
im really reaching my limit i think
the one person i really really love and want to be around absolutely hates talking to me i sincerely dont know what to do at this point its such a crushing feeling i cant take it i just want to take a fucking asston of dxm and forget i exist i seriously think im gonna relapse on like 3 tihngs
i haven't written anything in this in so long. oh well
there's a hurricane outside right now. milton iirc. it's only a category 3 now so it's impossible for me to care. i hope everyone is okay though.
i happened to stumble upon my ex-friend's instagram today on total accident. i forgot how much i miss them.
i had an interview at a pet boarding place which went moderately well. i hope i get that job; it seems very interesting and the workers are around my age.
it is difficult for me to distract myself right now. i desire to speak with my (supposed) girlfriend; but she's too absorbed in her virtuelle Realität to pay heed to me. what a miserable existence.
i've (briefly) broken up with her before and i would be lying if i said i weren't considering it right now. how much longer am i supposed to put up with being blatantly ignored, my needs cast to the wayside?
for now i will go back to reading dracula. i am halfway through.
i am writing this at work because i am bored and i have nothing better to do.
life has been getting increasingly better as time passes. i'm still bothered by trauma and things beyond my control but they are no longer unbearable.
i am now in a loving relationship (as of 11-11-24) with my darling boyfriend and potential husband, dan. i'm so lucky to have him in my life and i hope that we'll be together for eternity.
he makes me happier than anyone i've ever been with. i can't imagine a life without him at this point. one day we'll live together and have a family and everything will be okay. i am holding out until then.
tomorrow is december 1st! i feel like this christmas is going to be infinitely better than the last. i'm somewhat in the spirit this year which is egged on by my bf liking christmas.
once everyone has their decorations up i would love to go out with my love and go look at christmas lights and get hot chocolate. we should make that a tradition since we're going to be together for eternity...
work is decent; new girl started today and she's very nice. the odd thing is, she's pregnant and due on my birthday!! may 8th!!! isn't that cool?
can't wait to go home and see my baby after work. then everything will be worth it. and i'll get dicked down. 10/10
happy december. mariah carey has been defrosted and the holidays are upon us.
last night i stayed with my darling and watched shutter island. very interesting movie. plot twist fucked my ass. crazy shit
i am going to give this man children. i refuse to elaborate. he was holding a steak knife at dinner last night and i got way too turned on
as a sidenote if that FAT UGLY BITCH ever sends him "good morning daniel :3" over a voicenote again i will paint the walls and ceiling with her brain matter.
i am very sore!! this is a good thing for reasons. reasons i will not go into.
i think i've finally kicked drinking maybe? i've been wanting to less and less. mentally i've been much better as well. it's mostly thanks to my darling... i love you bby :)
new girl at work might not be staying. i suppose it's back to the drawing board. i'm off tomorrow so i get one more day of not thinking about this wretched place. i miss my husband.
work is good today; a little slow. we had inventory today which ate up a decent chunk of time. i can't wait to go home and try coding some more... i've been slacking a LOT.
i miss my bf already. it's only been a day but it feels like an eternity. we got matching necklaces yesterday (beetlejuice themed) and i'm wearing mine today. it's so cute. i love him so much.
we're planning a christmas party soon!! i'm getting into the christmas spirit again for the first time in years. i'm happy that i have someone dear to my heart to spend the holidays with. we're going to drink hot chocolate and look at christmas lights and bake cookies. how lovely will that be?
i've decided against joining the air force, to no one's surprise. i have strong reservations about selling my soul to an oil company or getting bombed in iraq. that would suck! what a waste of life that would be. i'm debating on getting my cybersecurity certification or continuing my web design goal. likely both.
overall mood: 8/10
nine to fives are hard, but at least i had enough time to get breakfast before work. so now i sit here sipping my peppermint mocha iced coffee and writing in my journal.
my friend max has returned!!! i missed talking to him a lot. i hope he does well in life and finds his path. i know he will, he's super smart. he's one of my best friends and i wish him nothing but the best.
one more day until i get to see my beloved. i'm going to finish wrapping his birthday gifts tonight and write in his card. i really hope he likes the stuff i got him. i tried to make it a mix of things i know he would want and things that i think he would like.
his birthday is december 8th and he's turning 23!!! he's an old man.... but i still love him. :3
overall mood: 9/10
had a good night last night with my darling. watched a little bit of smiling friends. we have decided that i am pim and he is charlie. i feel like this makes a lot of sense. also thom and josette are alan and glep
work is fun so far. i came in at 1 so i'm getting the ass end of all the grooming appointments. we have a little spaniel in here named bruno mars and he's sooo cute. a little annoying though. yappy.
i've been questioning my views on religion and spirituality recently. i've contemplated converting back to christianity but i don't think i'm 100% ready yet, if at all. maybe someday i will change my mind.
i love my friends and i'm so grateful to have max and vermi back in my life. the stars have aligned perfectly and allowed my best friends to return to me once more. i'm a much different person now than when we were friends originally. i don't harbor nearly as much hate in my heart, i don't think. i hope they're both happy and that everything goes well for them. they both deserve it.
overall mood: 8/10
not trying to sound horribly insecure but DON'T FUCKING TRIFLE WITH ME. "love you" UH HUH??? I LOVE HIM MORE SKANK GO KYS
anyways with that out of the way it's my beloved darling's birthday today!! congrats on making it to 23 :3 i love you more than words can describe. i gave him his gifts around midnight last night and he was overjoyed. i'm really glad he liked the stuff i got him, as well as the card.
he's such a sweet soul; he deserves every good thing in life. i would do anything to make him smile. what a precious human being i've found.
work sucks and i'm so tired but luckily i got two monsters. will this help? no. but it will give me a panic attack which will keep me awake. yippee!!
overall mood: 7/10
continued: very sorry i need to tweak on main more. my day be so fine and then BOOM some chick has to come out of the woodwork and tell MY BOYFRIEND that she looooves him. i don't care who you are, i don't care that you've been friends with him since you were 12, fuck all of that. he's MINE. you have a whole boyfriend yourself and you're over here saying you love my man bunches? platonic my fat voluptuous fucking ass. are you actually insane?? have you no braincells? no sense of boundaries? holy shit i'm still so upset. i know it's absolutely ridiculous but holy fuck i wanna bash this chick's skull in. i can't even say that i'm not a little insecure. she's skinny, she has a lovely face, she's very feminine, literally everything that i'm not. i'll just starve more i guess. i know i said i was gonna get away from that and try to commit to recovering anorexia-wise but fuck man.
yesterday was amazing!! both my bf and i were off work, so we dicked around at world market, barnes n noble, etc. and went to the mall. afterwards my parents offered to meet us at longhorns to finally meet my beloved. they absolutely loved him!! my dad had a great time talking to him, as did my mother. they're both insanely happy for me and they welcomed him into the family with open arms. i've never been so overjoyed.
they typically don't care for the guys i bring home (all of two) but they ADORED him. they didn't even like the last one all that much... but oh well i have a better one now :) one that i plan to marry!!!
work sux as usual but i'm researching votech/trade school today. soon we'll be outta here...
overall mood: 9/10
working again today. inventory came and went, just like the day. time is moving fairly quickly. i have plans to go to dinner with dan and a friend of his later; i'm anxious to meet him! it sounds like it'll be a good time.
sometimes i wish i weren't as hateful as i am. i think when i feel intense hatred or anger towards someone it's justified. but maybe i'm going too far? i effectively lost my absolute shit over another girl (whom he has been friends with for YEARS) saying "love you" to him. is this a justified crash out? am i just insane?
i got extremely upset over something very tiny. to the point where i asked him to discuss things with her. no wait i'm getting mad again. "oh alright" WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING RESPONSE IS THAT?? why are you so pressed over not being able to say you love MY boyfriend? getting all offended over him setting a boundary fuck you whore
anyways :3 i want a drink!!!!!!!!! i am so stressed out of my mind over all these random bitches coming out of the woodwork and being a bit too friendly with my man. MINE. you fucking hear me??? go fucking KILL YOURSELVES
overall mood: 6.5/10
i feel a little better today. last night was an absolute shitshow and i didn't get to bed until 4. my trust issues fully reared their head and i couldn't hide them. i wish i didn't cry in front of him. what a sign of weakness.
he brought me flowers and a very heartfelt note at work today. i love him so deeply even after what happened. people make mistakes either knowingly or unknowingly and i've always been the forgiving type. sometimes too much so. i can't be mad at him. i never was, in fact. i just shouldn't assume that people are without fault and that they'll never hurt me. i set myself up for failure in a way.
i hate feeling like i can't trust the ones i love but this too shall pass. hopefully that bitch passes too. second time's the charm, eh? try again and don't fail this time.
tonight my boss is taking everyone to kumo. i would love some sushi right now. i'm starving...
overall mood: no numerical value assigned
jen brought pizza to work. i love her... my fav older woman coworker. last night was fun, we went to kumo and got hibachi and got super drunk. i had two screwdrivers and like 5 sips of whatever deanne got. afterwards i went to a different kava bar to see my friends + my beloved and ended up fixing my emotional state.
i'm really grateful that i met josette. i always saw her at kava but god knows i'm too awkward to approach a random woman and start talking to her. but getting to know her through dan has been a blessing. she's an incredibly sweet and intelligent woman, and super funny too!! i also think her dynamic with thom is adorable. they clearly really care about each other and i pray for that type of love every day. she made me feel a lot better about the whole angie situation and confirmed a lot of what i was already thinking. she took great care in making sure that i didn't think i was insane. thanks jo :) i'm so glad that you're my friend.
i get to see my baby again tonight!! it's shark week and i feel really terrible and cramp-y but i'll feel better once i'm in his arms. thankful grateful and blessed.
overall mood: 8/10
soooo tired... i bought two monsters but i'm not sure if that'll help. i slept until 10; way later than i anticipated. but i was with my baby so it was worth it. i always sleep better when he's around.
consumation ritual occurred last night...... he's mine forever now :)
not much to report on today. just work and a pleasant residual feeling from being with my beloved. my future husband.
overall mood: 8/10
sorry for not updating for a few days. been contemplating and getting over some stuff. had to remove someone from my life of my own volition so. that's that now...
i'm very confused and anxious about what i'm supposed to do with my life. i know web development/web design will net me a lot of money, but is it what i'm really passionate about? or will it drain me? who knows.
i'm sorry that i didn't finish my journal entry yesterday. work was a little crazy and i lacked the time to piece my thoughts together. tonight is much different.
by all accounts, today was supposed to be a nice day, and in some ways it was. we opened our secret santa gifts and stockings at work. i got a lot of little goodies, deanne got me a soft fuzzy blanket, $20, and a funny desk companion with dogs on it. i call it a desk companion because i forget the terminology. i got a fuckload of chocolate, too. i don't think i'll finish it. i would hate to gain any more. the dogs were well-behaved today and i got some cuddles in.
i feel this pervasive sense of emptiness. for a while, which to me is two months, it was gone. i felt happy. i still feel happy in my day-to-day life, usually. but something is gravely wrong. do you know how it feels to not be able to stay alive, but simultaneously not be able to die? i can't leave the one(s) i love behind, but i don't want to stay here. my mind is irreparably damaged and i have no will to exist in a world like the one i've been given. people wander around me, soulless, searching. they want that which is intrinsic to me. you know what i mean, don't you?
beings are brought into the universe with souls. always. little children that don't know any better, young ones that crawl on their tiny hands and knees, older ones that swing on the playgrounds, insisting they don't need to be pushed anymore. then one day something changes. a traumatic event or developmental slip leads to a complete overhaul of their soul. their psyche. here today and gone tomorrow. why do you think there are so many people that wander the earth with no sense of purpose or direction? why people seek to drain your energy as much as they can? because they lack. they are no longer human.
it's a sad sight. maybe that's why i've been abused and hurt so much in the past. these vessels are empty and seek my being to fill them. and when i don't fill them willingly they try to take it from me anyways. why me specifically? i'm resigned to my fate but i'm so unfathomably upset about it at the same time. others couldn't control their longings, their urges, and i was left to deal with it. to suffer the consequences of THEIR actions. why? how is that fair? i want to cry and nothing comes out. not a drop leaves my eyes. i have to sit with this empty and bitter feeling that doesn't go away no matter how much i type it out. no matter how much i vent it to the two, maybe three people that actively read this.
i just want normalcy. i can't undo anything that happened to me. i can't make it better. i can't make it WORTH anything. because it's not worth anything. there was no reason for it. no justification. i have no direction and i can't function in the real world. i will always be like this and it's my fault because i won't reach out for help. the so-called help is worthless too. "you have a personality disorder. there are no drugs that are approved to treat your condition but we will sure try. would you care to be on prescription drugs for the forseeable future? the rest of your life, maybe?" he hung up to go talk to his sister and i teared up. what the fuck is my deal..?
this is way too fucking long i'm sorry. tl;dr i want to kms but i can't i want to cut but i can't i want to do anything besides meander around life doing nothing and going nowhere but i can't fuck this shit i hate everything but i don't
overall mood: do you even need a number?